Duffy, Michael

The death of my son Gavin has caused a huge ripple of misdirected anger unpon my family.

Emotions run so high, sometimes you cannot help yourself and you pick out your bad feelings on family members. I think it is because at times I find it hard to express myself, or maybe because I am so devastated and confused, I don’t know my own mind.
With all the horrible things going on in your life, with the aftermath of a family member being murdered, you lose touch with yourself.
Sometimes, I pick on my husband and fuel my anger at him; he has to put up with a lot. There were times when I felt I did not care if we split up, because I could not handle another human being’s needs. The grief leaves you so lifeless, as if you your self had died and you are only a mere existence, not having any energy, or life in you, to interact with the other people of your life, who are also hurting.

I have gone through so many changes, which I had to adjust to and not through my own choice.
Life becomes survival.

My da is dead 13 years and now more than ever I miss him so much, because I know he would be the one I could talk to. We had a great connection;He gave me strenght and was always encouraging and wise.

My ma never drank or smoke and is a real home bird and family woman. Sometimes I get mad at her because I feel she is not there for me emotionaly. This is something I have to deal with. She tells me ‘I know how you feel’ and that makes me more frustrated because i feel she can’t know. Gavin was my son and he is gone from my family home. She did love him without any doubt, but my ma still has her two sons. That is my feeling and I can’t apologise for it.

My sisters have their own families and work full time. They only got a day off for the court case and that really hurt, I really needed their support. I don’t think I should have had to stress this to them, I thought it should have been obvious.

There was a lot of time over the last 3 years when my daughter had to see me crying, screaming and sitting around like a dummy, cutting her out of my world. I was not aware of these things at the time, I felt so isolated in my own grief. Sometimes I felt I could not even breathe. If one of my close family tried to hug me, I could not handle the contact. A lot of this caused hurt for them and rejection, but I was not in my right mind to think about it at the time.

I drifted away from some friends, because my tolerance became very low. Some people are unconfortable with the way you now are and look for the old one, the person you can’t give them anymore. They can’t deal with the change in your personality.

I would always have been the strong one;helping others to cope. Now I can hardly mind myself, even the slightest thing feels like a huge demand on my life. It is so hard to cope, getting out of bed in the morning has been a bid deal-Don’t mind anything else.

I don’t think people realise how delicate it can make you. As my partner says about Gavin’s death: “It is like a glass breaking into very fine pieces” – How can you put that back together again:
Impossible.
It is about learning to rebuilt your life, starting all over again, very slowly.

I would like to thank my family for everything they have done for me; I love them very much. Family is very important to me, especially my daughter who gave me the will and strengh to carry on and who taught me it is OK to laugh even when your heart is broken.
Also I thank my friend and the community who reached out to me and my family.
I thank AdVIC who helped with the court support and invited me to come aboard on the group bereavement course and one to one counselling.
It helped me to help myself,took away some of the isolation and gave me some hope to continue on.

My 19 year old son Gav will always be alive in me. He was robbed of steeping into manhood, but I will walk in dignity in honour of his name.

Love you always, sweet dreams Gav